• Jefferson D'Arcy

The Definitive Guide To Not Being A Schlub

Updated: Jun 11, 2021

You may at this point be thinking...

But Jefferson, I can’t possibly become like you, I’m too [fat/ugly/boring/nervous] to attract a partner in the first place!

The solution is simple...stop being such a schlub. How, you ask?

It boils down to this: stop worrying about getting present-day-you laid and do the work to get future-you partnered. Set aside the idea that you need to try to sleep with every attractive person right now or that life owes you a partner yesterday: your desperation and entitlement are apparent to those you are hitting on and it is not attractive to them in any way.

Somewhere far at the opposite end of the spectrum from being a Jefferson is being an incel. That sad group basically did the opposite of my above advice and drilled down on their desperation, digging their heels in on their shortcomings rather than resolving them. They live in bitterness, resentment, and horrifyingly, sometimes violence.

That’s the path you could find yourself on if you sulk and play the ‘poor me’ game when it comes to relationships and personal development.

So let’s be specific; I’m not here to admonish you, I’m here to help.

I’m too fat, Jefferson, I’ll never find a partner!

Fear not my prosperous friend, I was once just like you, topping out at a clinically obese 215lbs at a height of 5’10. I felt like crap, looked like crap and had no self-confidence.

I will likely detail my weight loss journey in a future post, but for the sake of the run-down format of this article, I will keep it somewhat brief and only say that I absolutely DID NOT go on a diet and DID NOT become a gym rat to get down to my relatively svelte 165lbs. In fact, I never went to a gym or out for a run even once.

The solution to obesity is not only simple (for most people) it is actually obvious:

Burn more calories than you consume. That’s it.

Too many people get caught up in this diet or that workout fad, when all of that is in fact completely irrelevant to weight loss, and if you follow these two simple rules, I absolutely promise that you WILL lose weight:

  1. Do not overeat. Period. If you slow down a bit when eating, you’ll be better able to notice when you’re actually full. If you’re no longer actually hungry, then stop eating! You do not need to finish every meal bursting at the seams, and in fact, should try to NEVER finish a meal in that state.

  2. Drive less, walk (or bike) more. I don’t care where you live, I don’t care how inconvenient it is. Get. Your. Ass. Moving. A four mile walk burns about as many calories as a three mile run. You do not need to become an athlete and you probably don’t even need to force yourself out for extra walks past what your errands and commute require. All you need to do is to stop prioritizing your convenience over your health.

Yes, that’s it. That’s basically all I did to lose a fairly dramatic amount of weight in a very short period of time (less than one year). You can too, I just know it.

I realize that I haven’t touched on the medical side of obesity, including mental illness, and that for some of you reading this, walking itself may be impossible. Nevertheless, my point remains highly relevant for probably 99% of people struggling with obesity today: eat a bit less, move a bit more and be mindful of both. You can do this!

That’s all well and good, Jefferson, but look at this hideous mug! No amount of mindful living is going to change how mirror-shatteringly ugly I am!

Let me first say, my Quasmodious friend, that you can take solace in the fact that the people unwilling to give you a chance due to your facial features were the shallowest of candidates to begin with, likely unworthy of your partnership in any event.

That said, I’ll not sugarcoat it: your pool of datable people may be notably smaller than average due to your unique look, but you know what? Even the most attractive people don’t attract absolutely everyone by default, and more importantly, there is so much more to being appealing than how square your jaw is or how pronounced your cheekbones are.

As is frequently relevant in life; control what you can and don’t worry about the rest. Get in shape. Dress nicely. Maintain good hygiene (I can’t stress this one enough). Get a haircut, maintain that too. Groom yourself a bit. Find ways to increase your magnetism that have nothing to do with your looks. Be kind. Be gracious. Be interesting. There are a lot of ways to be attractive and your facial features are just one of them.

Look at this guy, famous for having kind of a weird face. Look at how damn good he looks:

And if you need any further motivation to move past this, know that this is the exact hill that the incels choose to die on. Join them in misery or make the most of what you have, it’s up to you.

Dammit Jefferson, I can’t just ‘be interesting!’ I’m a boring, unpopular loser!

Well, my painfully honest friend, you’ve already taken the first (and least enjoyable) step of resolving the issue: you are willing to admit your shortcomings and seem open to doing something about it. Congratulations! Believe it or not, you’re already more than halfway there, and the rest is the fun part.

Yes, you may in fact actually be both boring and a loser, but those things don’t need to stay true. What are your interests? Your hobbies? What subjects are you well informed on? What skills do you possess? Do you play an instrument or speak another language? Have you travelled the world or are you a local bumpkin?

If you’re coming up dry here, therein lies your answer. Your Call Of Duty skills will only take you so far in this regard. Find something less niche that is interesting for you, and get good enough at it (or informed enough about it) to leave an impression when you have the chance to display the skill or speak on the subject. It can be almost anything, but being interesting is not some innate ability for anyone; you need to work at it. Even the most naturally charismatic person can come across as boring if the only interesting thing about them is that they make a charming first impression.

Let me be clear, this isn’t exclusively some long term project where you have to become fluent in French before you can casanova your way to full-fledged Jefferson-hood. This will pay dividends right away and I won’t be cryptic about it, here’s an example:

Say you decide to start learning French but you’re a total noob, just a lesson or two in. You meet someone whom you find cute and you perhaps mention that you’re learning a new language, or they mention the same to you. Oh boy, so many doors might have just opened for you. Maybe this person speaks French and would be interested to converse with another learner. Maybe they’re learning a completely different language but can commiserate with you on the experience of language learning itself. Maybe they’re curious as to why you chose French...are you going to travel to France? Or you could ask vice-versa.

I could go on, but do you see how you are already less boring and more interesting than you were? In my example, you didn’t even actually speak French yet! What was actually interesting was the fact that you chose to deliberately and sincerely enact self-improvement.

You’re creating your own reality with how you play this out. If you want to be interesting, go out there and get it!

Ok fine, Jefferson, I get it. It looks like most of this stuff is actually within my control, but what about my self-confidence? I get too nervous and always say something stupid to someone I find attractive, and I absolutely cannot control that!

Fair enough, my querulous friend, this one is a little trickier to be sure. Confidence is a funny thing. Some of it comes with experience (sure, the more you date the better you get at it) but most of it actually comes from self-assurance.

What does that mean for you? Well, if you did all of the above and lost your excess weight, cleaned up your appearance and behaviour, and worked hard to make yourself into a more able and informed person, I one hundred percent guarantee that you are already more confident at almost everything than you were before you began this journey.

People treat you differently when you go out of your way to be kind or gracious as a feature of your personality. People notice when you care for your hygiene and appearance (or more importantly, notice when you don’t). Interesting people create a magnetism about them that can cause others to react with more tolerance to their social errors. And, whether or not you agree if this should be the case, on average, people are more physically attracted to those maintaining a healthy weight.

Yes, you will still get nervous and yes you will still say the wrong thing sometimes, will notice not only more leeway for yourself in these situations, but in fact, that your flubs actually bother you less, making you less flustered when they happen and more able to recover with some panache.

And now, hopefully, you’ve made yourself a suitable enough candidate for a relationship that you’ll be starting to get lots of chances to gain the only piece you're still missing: experience.

About that experience...uh...this is kind of awkward, and really I’m just asking for a friend, but...what about if I’m just not that good at sex…like, at all?

Congratulations, you old dog! Presuming you're not putting the cart before the horse here, it sounds like you've successfully de-schlubbed yourself to the point where someone wants to sleep with you. Bravo! You are well on your way to true Jefferson-hood.

To answer your question, first let me tell you that each and every single person in human history to have come (ha!) before you, has been there. Without exception.

With that in mind, I guarantee that you’re way better off with honesty than bravado.

Since every single one of us has been through this, most experienced partners are more than willing to help educate a nervous neophyte through their initial sexual foibles if they are sufficiently motivated to get down with you in the first place. Those who aren’t so gracious are probably so either because they are a total asshole, or because you in some way misrepresented yourself and mouthed off a big check that your skills, physiology or endurance can’t cash.

And I mean this almost completely regardless of your age or member size. You could be whatever, say 21 or 55 years old, meagre or massive in size: don’t be embarrassed for who you are or leap to conclusions about your partner’s expectations. They may be every bit as nervous about their experience level or as self-conscious about their bits as you are. And remember, you're only in this situation because they already wanted to sleep with you. No one is setting you up for failure.

And lastly, the best tools (ha!) of the inexperienced or under-equipped (in any endeavor) are effort and enthusiasm. If you are a generous, considerate and enthusiastic lover, you more than likely have absolutely nothing to worry about in this regard, except for longer-term compatibility or virility issues which are very different topics I intend to discuss in a future post.

Now go get 'em, Tiger!

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